Tag Archives: #bible
Excerpt from Sex in the Name of God
Chapter 2 – The Penis Pact: A Confusing Cock Tale
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams
It’s a dick; it’s not a jack-o’-lantern. – Joe Rogan
The prized possession of every male was a hot topic in the bible. Religious arguments for and against circumcision also incorporated racism and politics into the plight of the pecker.
Let’s find out which brainiac first came up with the proposition of altering the aesthetics of a man’s ding-a-ling.
The word: boinked. Do tell. What came to mind?
Let’s check usage by reviewing a great book with regards to the Bible’s Cain and Eve dilemma:
Another ordeal involving fruit caused the jealous Cain to kill Abel. Only three people are in existence when we are slammed with a major hole in the plot.
Genesis 4:17 Cain knew his wife. She conceived, and gave birth to Enoch.
Either another woman was created, or Cain boinked his mom.
Theologists can spin their way out of many disturbing situations because they have a few things working in their favor. The good book frequently presents a story and then later retells it with different details. Another ongoing dilemma is that ladies are lucky to get a name mention, let alone any mention. This makes figuring out context and a timeline very difficult especially since early humans lived for hundreds of years, probably due to extremely healthy lifestyles outside of murder.
Hopefully this is the closest I will ever come to having this type of footage available online. My book, Sex in the Name of God, is complete and available for purchase.
After looking into some options, I felt an explainer video was needed. People need to understand this book covers real bible passages in a humorous fashion, because scripture is often ridiculous when it comes to the subject of sex and human relations.
Off to a cheapo website I went looking for entrepreneurs. After contacting a few folks who said, oh hell no, I posted an inquiry. Out of the responses, I purchased several, knowing full well my money might go down the toilet.
Religion intrigues me because a small group of people who follow a leader, and ascribe to certain practices, is often viewed as a cult. Add in millions of people and suddenly this is a norm.
I had never read the bible before. Besides wanting to know what people were really following, I was curious to learn about the basics. How would sex and politics be treated within a religious guideline? Well, I found out.
The bible: Wow. It’s disturbing.
Putting all murder and mayhem aside, I can now say that if you like sex, and lots of it, then the bible is for you. There was more than enough material to write a book about the juiciest parts; a whooping 197 pages.
Al Franken’s political career: Over. Could he go back to comedy? Probably not.
Bill Maher, known for comedy, is in hot water for reenacting Al Franken’s picture of mock-u-groping a fellow comedian. Mr. Franken’s picture was with a woman, Leeann Tweeden while Mr. Maher’s pic was with Bob Saget.
Aha, a role reversal. What could it mean? Is this political comedy or victim shaming? Does it make fun of women’s rights?
Women have a hard time being on the same par as men when they are breaking into areas where men are in power. I get it.
We all know about the daily heartbreak families go through: horrible accidents, disease, genocide. But let’s think larger.
We have come to understand dinosaurs, volcanoes, early humans, rainbows and eclipses, thunder and lightning, even plate tectonics. But we just can’t give up on God. We have chosen blind faith and are able to overlook so many discrepancies such as how old the earth is, and the evidence of the relatively short-lived existence of humans on our planet.
People used to believe that the sun orbited earth and that the earth was flat. Today we have the car, the microwave, and the computer.
Men and women are obsessed with the penis. Thousands of years obsessed.
I’m happy to announce that after having gathered my notes from penis reading in the Bible I have started my book! Don’t worry – there will be lots of other fun stuff, facts, Americana, maybe some famous turn-of-the-century philosophies inspired by cocaine.
Penis talk begins in Genesis 17 with the verse title actually and factually, really called “Abraham and the Covenant of Circumcision.” There is serious obsession and debate throughout the good book that even falls back on itself about whether or not one should be circumcised.
About this book I’m going to write. I decided that in addition to the Bible, I also better read the Quran.
Having no idea what I was in for, my preconceived notions told me it would be a brutal book about murder and revenge in the form of Jihad, and the horrible mistreatment of women.
I was wrong. The Quran is no more brutal than the Bible.
The Quran was obviously written after the Bible as it goes over some of the same occurrences, and has a lot of the same themes. In comparison, I found the Quran to be not as tedious a read, not as redundant, not as much of the beating of the dead horse. This is probably due to the fact that it is much shorter than the Bible.
This lovely blog was indeed prompted by a customer service issue. Customer service has become like political correctness. We have all seen the irate customer being a complete jerk over something petty getting their sphincters kissed, when we might rather enjoy seeing these people being told how to forcefully insert items where the sun doesn’t shine.
There is an extra side of stink when customers quote the bible, hold the bible, or ask for the bible to be handed to them while they demean, berate, and condescend.
I finally finished reading the tedium called the Bible.
I have learned that everything said in the Bible can be undone by a different passage elsewhere in the Bible, sometimes as close as a sentence or two away.
Rules in the New Testament pretty much say you no longer have to follow a lot of the rules of the Old Testament. There is just more contradiction and confusion. Many times you are forced to ask, why did He let that happen? Sometimes He intervenes, and others times not, and then He blames the man. From time to time, we all like to blame the man, but this case is different because He made the man.